This week was treated to a visit from imposter syndrome. All of his friends came too – perfectionism, procrastination, paralysis – the whole gang.
I have lurched between the identities of six different kinds of artists. Been haunted by distorted imaginary voices of perfectly supportive ceramicist friends, who think I’ve made bad choices and generally am making a fool of myself.
The nature of these thoughts are worth writing down because they are so ridiculous in black and white. We are not our thoughts. An idea that seems impossible to grapple with, I believe rooted in mindfulness and therapeutic practices – though at odds with Freud.
What am I doing making art? And in the middle of the night – ‘What IS art? See, you can’t even answer that’. Well I’m doing a Fine Art Masters, so let’s just see. I find in these moments of self doubt I scroll on instagram more – it’s a great idea. My feed shows pristine lifestyle ceramicists throwing pots next to white sofas, desperate influencers showing 3 steps for making abstract art that sells…and even the legit art scene posts seem all about what’s fashionable and what’s correct and accepted right now.
And part of the problem also is that everything is acceptable. I sit down at my life-drawing class (organised by the students union, and excellent) next to a gloomy woman who says that no-one seems to care what art is anymore.
Under a cloud I head to the studio at County Hall Pottery, where I work as a technician in exchange for studio space.
At the studio Charley Blackburn, the new ceramicist-in-residence, is preparing for an update with the managers. Her sketchbooks and glaze tests are set out for the meeting and it’s breathtaking work, but also chatting to her, I notice there are more questions than answers. There’s certainly no end goal. I show her a box of bisque shapes I’ve been playing with. And a stop-frame animation I made to document the process. I might make more stop-frames. Charley gives me some feedback about what would making a film of them moving add to the work, which she feels already has movement and energy. I have no idea how she has seen that.
While her meeting goes on I listen in to a fantastic conversation from my lovely brilliant colleagues about Charleys work – and I go into hyper focus. Or flow. Just playing with the shapes.
One of the challenges of ceramics is the technicality of putting something together, which really requires prototyping, sketching out, planning. Factoring in the 7-10 different stages of drying time. But how do I improvise if I have to plan first? Where is the creativity that comes from spontaneity. Each ceramicist approaches this chicken and egg in a different way.
But most importantly something is unblocked by showing up at the studio and my wonderful community and friends at County Hall. By Charley’s serious generosity and belief.
I felt so galvanised by that. I also want to mention Daniella who has (along with Olga and Hicham) pretty much remotely organised a group show for us in the Good Rice Gallery with a couple of days notice. She is one of the extraordinary people that just believes, is unfailingly optimistic and generous. Instead of overthinking this, I go with the flow.
I think my my thought this week is about community. If I can’t be kind to myself then to take myself to the people who lift me up. The studio becomes then not an aspirational space I can’t afford, but an environment I create by people I choose to connect with.
Alex Murdoch, Artist 